


markhyuck fic dump

by hoesthetic



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Drabbles & wips & whatever, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Fluff, I ACTUALLY WROTE SOMETHING THAT ISNT ANGST, I'll update the tags as I go, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, mark is an athlete & hyuck is in a glee club
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-02 08:11:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10213286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoesthetic/pseuds/hoesthetic
Summary: markhyuck drabbles & other stuff not proper enough to be fics.





	1. my forest fire / angst, one sided attraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **my forest fire ;**  
>  _because donghyuck is close but it's never enough._  
>  AU: non idol / angst / 921 words / warnings: underage smoking

donghyuck is too close. minhyung decides that yes, he hates it. yes, he hates the way the younger boy kisses his cheek as a joke and hugs him when he is excited. why? because donghyuck is close but it's never enough.

a stupid crush. and minhyung wants donghyuck only to be close to him but he isn't like that; he runs around kissing others and breaking minhyung's heart. a heart that's not fully grown, really. he is still learning to love, himself, anyone else.

 

 

"so, so cute!" the younger boy squeals and pulls minhyung to his lap by his waist. he wants to get up and hide in his room but he also wants to stay there and press against donghyuck tighter, more shared body warmth.

taeyong, his older brother, is having a some kind of a party that's more like a gathering. a drunken one though and it's weird he even let minhyung and donghyuck chill around. maybe it's because donghyuck acts like he is drunk most of the time or maybe he wants to show off his baby brother to his cool, older friends.

 

"i'm not," minhyung mumbles but doesn't get up. he can feel donghyuck's nose pressing against his neck and jesus, his heart is beating way too quickly. donghyuck laughs. not fair. he almost blushes, but not quite, and he isn't sure if anyone would notice it anyway.

 

 

because donghyuck is close but it's never enough. so minhyung wiggles off from the other boy's lap and mutters something unclear.

"i have to go to the toilet," and leaves the room quickly without glancing over his shoulder. there's this ache in his bones, an itching in the tips of his fingers and he has to get out. it's too loud, it's too real and minhyung is tearing himself apart.

 

a part of him feels bad for ditching donghyuck like that but the said boy is pretty social and he knows taeyong's friends. he tries to brush it off and grabs taeyong's jacket from the hanger, it's dark and quite cold outside but he needs his space.

 

....

 

minhyung sits down to the cold ground and if he ruins his black jeans then he does. it's not that much of a deal. he has done this before, a bad habit, so his hand reaches to the pocket of his brother's jacket like he knows what he is doing.

taeyong smokes marlboro's red and it's almost iconic. it's a little bit too bitter and strong for minhyung but it works, he makes it work. so he lights one up with a white lighter (bringing bad luck) and closes his eyes. his hair and hands will smell but taeyong won't notice, probably. and would he even care if he did? minhyung isn't sure.

 

there's something so deeply calming yet stressful about smoking. he isn't a smoker, but it's a habit, a bad habit. no one knows he still tends to do it but donghyuck, and minhyung's chest feels tight: don't think about him. minhyung watches how the ash falls to the ground, melancholic.

"you promised you would quit," minhyung flinches. he looks up just to see donghyuck standing there with a tone of disappointment in his voice when he talks, "there isn't even any girls around to impress"

 

it may be a joke but somehow it still stings. yeah, girls. girls are pretty with their long hair and thick lashes but they aren't donghyuck. no one could replace him, he is the one minhyung has to impress.

"yeah, because girls are the only reason i... i do this," minhyung says and nods down to his cigarette, sounding probably a little bitter.

"it was a joke, okay," donghyuck sighs but the disappointment is turning to something else. worry, but minhyung doesn't want to hear it, doesn't want to acknowledge it. he licks his dry lips.

 

donghyuck sits down to the ground and their shoulders touch. minhyung should probably drop the cigarette, step on it but he doesn't. there's something scary about ending things and killing the fire seems way too metaphorical.

"are you okay? do you wanna be alone?" donghyuck asks when minhyung stays quiet, staring at the ground. he knows that the younger boy is trying. minhyung doesn't talk about his feelings, when he is feeling so horribly ill and when he is convinced there's something so horribly wrong with him. minhyung shrugs and he hopes that donghyuck will get it; please don't leave me.

 

and donghyuck doesn't.

 

minhyung doesn't realize it right away and then donghyuck has snatched the almost finished cigarette from his hold, and he turns to look at him. the younger boy brings the cigarette to his lips and takes a drag that ends up to coughing, minhyung smiling but it's subtle.

"it's disgusting, what the fuck," donghyuck curses between his coughs. minhyung lets out a small laugh, taking the cigarette from him and stomping it to the ground. it's easier, somehow.

 

he gets up from the ground. if it was ideal, he would pull donghyuck from the ground too, press him against the gray wall and kiss him on the lips. breathless. 

but it's not ideal. so when donghyuck gets up by himself, minhyung just smiles. it's weak and the other boy knows it - he can see it in his gaze. don't worry about me, i'll be fine, minhyung wants to say. 

 

"are you fine, really?" donghyuck asks. it still stings. minhyung adores him so, it's somehow so painful. 

"yeah, i'm fine," minhyung says, "i really am"


	2. someone to stay / poetry-ish angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **someone to stay ;**  
>  _1\. mark wakes up_  
>  AU: non idol / poetry-ish angst / 475 words / warnings: messy metaphors, nightmares, some markno (that's not a warning but more of a mention). guess what this is about.

**1**. mark wakes up. 

 

it's pretty much jet black except for the crooked lights cutting the sky in half. tearing it apart and he knows he has seen it before. mark doesn't know if it's aliens or god but the point is that he is awake and he is nowhere to be found.

 

 

**2**. lavender candles. donghyuck used to burn them next to his body and drop the strong smelling wax on his baby pink (sunsets, sunrises) hair. 

mark doesn't wake up this time around. donghyuck does. he gets up and sends him a kiss: then turns. walks. walks away.

 

 

**3**. stay hydrated. 

mark misses people he shouldn't miss and he falls in love with boys who torture themselves with knives, scissors and fire. it's always so sad that people hate themselves too. he isn't people, not a person.

 

 

**4**. you've got time to kill, donghyuck said to mark while handing him a gun. mark pulled the trigger down his own throat. he woke up. 

 

 

**5**. black and white static noise and his fingers twitch. he still wonders about skies and aliens and if he ever woke up. he never falls asleep. next paralysis:

 

**6**. YOU only lies.  **6**. hey, honey. it's numbing.  **6**. he's got these poems in his head.  **6**. there's an unknown boy in his mind: in his capacities: thoughts. a parasite.  **6**. four words can make mark break his knees.

 

 

**7**. it ends.

 

**8**. it starts. and donghyuck calls mark honey. mark calls him a murderer. he leaves the house with blood on his knuckles but it's not mark's. he doesn't bleed the way others do. 

last night, he saw ash falling down from the sky. mark guesses the sky burned this time around. not his shoulders and scapulae.

 

**9**. mark lied to donghyuck too. to jeno, he doesn't. he is self aware of his own mistakes and actions. but he doesn't understand everything. he understands nothing. lost control again. what.

not mark. not jeno. not donghyuck. he pulls the trigger. they all fell down. he woke up.

 

**10**. 

**11**. 

**12**.

**13**. he is no good. mark knows. he broke his index finger because it kept twitching. 

 

**14**. trigger warning: 

he seriously harms himself and others around.

 

**15**. trigger warning:

he does things he doesn't want to do. his body does things it shouldn't do. 

 

**16**. trigger warning:

don't hand over the gun. please. mark does things he doesn't want to do.

 

**17**. mark doesn't wake up. mark wakes up. he never sleeps. three hours of sleep. mark doesn't sleep. mark wakes up. he woke up.

 

**18**. donghyuck. donghyuck. donghyuck is a boy with a gun in his back pocket.

 

**19**. jeno. jeno. jeno is a boy with ash in his hands and secrets in his suitcase.

 

**20.**  and mark, mark is somewhere between falling asleep and falling down the skies. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...probably the most absurd thing ive ever published  
>  (no honestly yall should guess what this is about)


	3. shades of blue / angst, hurt/comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **shades of blue ;**  
>  _he puts his hand in donghyuck's hair, runs his fingers through the strands and just wishes for things to be fine. it feels like his heart drops down to his stomach when donghyuck's tired eyes turn to look at him. normally, they tell a lot of things but now, the brown looks dull._  
>  _eyes, in the end, are just pupils and irises. it shouldn't feel that way but it does._  
>  AU: non idol / angst, emotional hurt/comfort / 876 words / warnings: depression, aftermath of a breakdown 

 

mark finds him laying on the bathroom floor.

 

donghyuck's hair looks damp, the tips of it at least and god, his skin isn't the glowing golden brown but ashy. it scares mark, the way he is looking up at the sealing with his eyes what could only be described as glazed and empty. 

  
"hyuckie?" he opens his mouth, unsure. mark clenches his fists to stop his hands from shaking but that doesn't help with the way his knees still are, trembling so hard he is afraid he might fall. donghyuck doesn't answer him, doesn't turn his head or gaze. 

 

mark gets down to his knees and shuffles a little bit closer, the younger boy doesn't react. mark can see the traces on his cheeks, they are from tears, he knows, and his lips are swollen, bitten. donghyuck looks small, weak, out of character. the boy, who is always so lively, so alive, looking so dead, just a shell. 

 

he puts his hand in donghyuck's hair, runs his fingers through the strands and just wishes for things to be fine. it feels like his heart drops down to his stomach when donghyuck's tired eyes turn to look at him. normally, they tell a lot of things but now, the brown looks dull. 

 

eyes, in the end, are just pupils and irises. it shouldn't feel that way but it does. 

 

"hyuckie, please, say something," mark says, afraid. he is so horribly afraid. mark has spent a lot of time thinking, psychoanalyzing, the other one, trying to unravel the mysteries and the secrets of the enigma he is but it's difficult. he is a contradiction, at the same time so present and there yet emotionally unavailable and distant. 

 

mark may not understand donghyuck and the things he is going through but at least he tries. to understand, to get it, to be there and present when the younger one can't. 

 

it must be love, the way he cares for him. mark can't help but think, is it selfish? is he trying his best just to get some kind of satisfaction out of it, helping others and being there for them, just to feel better about himself? he doesn't know. 

 

"no," donghyuck replies and his voice is dry and cracking. mark laughs but it's choked and forced and something is burning in this eyes but he blinks his eyes to force it away. he moves his hand on donghyuck's cheek and strokes his cheekbone with his thumb. 

"are you okay?" mark asks but it's stupid because they both know that no, he isn't and it's not okay. it will never be because things like that don't just walk away by telling them to. 

 

but donghyuck nods and it breaks mark's heart. he nods too, confirmation, _i believe you_ , when it's a lie. maybe they, as a couple, as friends, as human beings, are just a big lie. pretending and acting, yes, everything is fine and everything is okay even when they can taste iron on their lips even they kiss, even when donghyuck's knuckles bloom in purples and blues, even when he screams in the bathroom and mark can't do anything but block it out. 

 

mark helps donghyuck to sit and he is kind of surprised when the younger one doesn't push him away. it's progress, at least, but still a long way to go. 

 

when mark kisses him gently, donghyuck keeps his hands in his lap, doesn't respond. when mark pulls away and looks him in the eyes, all he can see it's the same void, the same emptiness. it may break him but he is not the one who is already in million pieces. 

 

so mark tries to hold himself together. just for donghyuck's sake.   


"it's getting worse again," donghyuck says. oh the ache, not the one in mark's chest, but the one in donghyuck's, and he knows he will never understand it. mark takes his hand in his and holds it, rubs his thumb over his knuckles. 

"i'm sorry," it's barely a whisper and donghyuck just shrugs as a reply. it's alright, but it isn't. 

 

maybe there's an ocean in the bottom of donghyuck's stomach. thunders and waves splattering around. a disorder. there still isn't an explanation for depression, a chemical imbalance in one's brain isn't enough, and the cures are just many ways to end up with a disappointment. heavy on their shoulders. 

 

mark is afraid. everyday, it's almost sad. waking up in his bed, afraid, that donghyuck isn't there with him anymore. afraid, that the screaming will stop and he will be left with silence. everyday, afraid, that donghyuck will draw the end with shaky lines. 

 

donghyuck's hands are cold. he has made a mess again but mark is alright with that. you can't cure migraines or snowstorms in the middle of july with only a positive mindset but mark smiles at the younger boy and tries to believe that it's gonna be okay. smiles, in the end, are just lips and teeth, bones and skin, anatomy, so mark isn't exactly sure how that should work as the reassurance. 

 

but when donghyuck smiles back, with his cracked lips, mark just tries to believe in happy endings. they are just the hardest kind to fake. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sigh sorry ive been inactive anyway heres a word vomit that i didnt even read thru life sucks bai pls leave comments or somethin i love yall


	4. for him / fluff, hs au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **for him ;**  
>  _Mark is so, so convinced that Donghyuck belongs on stage. Even if it's a crappy high school performance. Donghyuck absorbs the light, kind of, and over the years Mark has seen the younger boy under spotlights so many times and the light always shines on his tanned skin like glitter. Mark might or might not love Donghyuck. A lot._  
>  AU: high school / fluff / 943 words / warnings: -

The school's gymnasium is actually very noisy when the students try to settle to their places, Mark too, following his friends. He knows that his group of friends is quite a big source of the noise but it's boys, athletes, of course they are yelling and laughing. But while most of his friends are kind of annoyed that they have to be in the stinky gymnasium (which doesn't make any sense since during winter their basketball practice is in the same exact room) for the next fifteen minutes, Mark is quite excited. 

 

"Yo, Markie boy, your lover boy is performing too, right?" Jeno, one of his team mates asks, and Mark wants to kick him. 

"He isn't my _lover boy_ but yes, he is," he says rolling his eyes. It's a lie. Or only partly because Donghyuck is performing but he is also, as Jeno said, his lover boy. Mark prefers the term boyfriend but uses the term best friend. Because that's acceptable, even high school can't tear a friendship as strong as their apart after over ten years, and others kind of just roll with it. 

 

Most of the people see the glee club, simply put, as embarrassing. Which Mark most of the time doesn't get because it's 2017 (and yet they elected Trump as their president? It doesn't make any sense) and there is nothing silly about singing. The flashy costumes are too much, sometimes, but still. Mark plays the guitar too and he is cool! 

 

Their principal taps the microphone that's in front of the stage. It's so horrendously cliche and awkward and Mark suppresses the shiver caused by purely cringing. The principal says something vague that no one cares about, Mark is sure. After that, the stage is empty again, and Mark would be lying if he said that he wasn't very, very excited.

 

The thing is that at this point Mark is so whipped for Donghyuck that whatever the younger boy did or sang, Mark would still be his biggest fan. He still has to keep it under control though because high school is tough and you have to keep your reputation clean. But Mark can't help but feel the smile tugging on the corners of his mouth when the glee club members walk on stage and the music starts to play.

 

Donghyuck looks so pretty. Their outfits are plain, black trousers and white dress shirts, nothing too special but Mark is so, so convinced that Donghyuck belongs on stage. Even if it's a crappy high school performance. Donghyuck absorbs the light, kind of, and over the years Mark has seen the younger boy under spotlights so many times and the light always shines on his tanned skin like glitter. Mark might or might not love Donghyuck. A lot.

 

Yet he can't believe they are actually performing Take on me. Mark can hear people snorting and laughing around him but he just ignores them and concentrates to the way Donghyuck is shining, smiling. What a star. And boy, he nails the high notes. Mark just keeps falling in love with the other boy over again, he can't help but smile and watch him, mesmerized. Everything else around him seems to be a messy blur, Donghyuck is the only thing that matters. 

 

When the performance ends, Mark is the one who claps the loudest. He could never, ever be embarrassed or ashamed of Donghyuck. It's impossible, and when the younger boy looks at him from the stage and smiles so brightly, it makes up all the weird looks he still gets. Donghyuck is admirable, strong, how he brushes off all the hate he gets for being who he is, and it's such a shame other people don't see that. Most of the people left the gymnasium the second the music stopped anyways, they don't even try to see it. 

 

"You're gonna stay?" it's again Jeno who asks him, probably because he is the closest to him in their team. Mark nods and looks at him and smiles reassuringly while the other boy just laughs and shakes his head. 

"You're so whipped," it's true but Mark still denies it. He turns his head and grabs his backpack from the floor before getting up and walking to the stairs. The club members are taking off the decor and equipment from the stage. It's noisy again. Mark walks down the stairs and straight to the stage, waving at Donghyuck and grinning happily. The younger boy smiles back at him and waves his hand too. Even it makes him so happy. Mark is weak, so weak. 

 

"You did great," he says and the happiness shining in Donghyuck's eyes really makes everything worth it. Mark just wishes he could kiss him right now, right there, but that has to wait. He stops in front of Donghyuck and for a second they just stand there, grinning at each other. It's the perfect moment for the perfect kiss if only they were alone. 

"What are you smiling at?" Donghyuck laughs even though he is smiling too. Mark shrugs. 

"Because of you," he hums, more quietly. The younger boy lifts his hand and rubs Mark's shoulder with his palm, his expression so _knowing_. 

 

 

"You look ugly," Donghyuck scoffs and lifts his own chin a bit, to look down at Mark. 

"You're uglier," he replies and slaps his chest but it's gentle. The younger boy fakes a shocked expression and his chin drops down, eyes widening, before a small smirk appears on his lips and he leans closer to whisper something in his ear. 

"You're breaking my heart, babe," and kisses his earlobe.

 

Mark almost drops his backpack. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a response to this prompt i got on tumblr:  
> "CAN U DO "you're breaking my heart, babe" FOR THE FIC THINGY???? i will actually lov u forever okay bye;;; also i know it's not a headcanon,, more like a prompt but it still screams markhyuck @ u so!!" .... i slipped off the prompt tbh  
> also i miss glee


	5. amor fati / angst, bipolar disorder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **amor fati ;**  
>  _and donghyuck won't think about the way he can't feel his body anymore._  
>  AU: non idol / angst / 770 words / warnings: bipolar disorder  
> 

 

some weeks, he is the king of the world with bursts of euphoria and adrenaline running in his veins instead of pure blood, chin up and laughter falling from his lips like water. those weeks donghyuck could easily spend money so much that his bank account screams in minus but he can't seem to stop. he is in control, donghyuck promises to mark everytime the older boy looks at him with concern in his brown eyes. 

 

but like everything in life, all good things come to an end. it's like someone pouring a bucket of ice water on you, soaking your clothes and leaving you to freeze to your death. a hypothermia, and donghyuck doesn't know how to deal with things like that. 

 

it's under control, he tells to himself even when he pulls his blanket over his shaking body to hide himself from the world. it's the only thing he can do. 

 

a teenager thing. it's mood swings, it's normal, donghyuck knows. it's so normal he won't even think about it, he won't think about the way it feels like his blood is replaced with the same ice water everything came crushing down with. donghyuck won't think about the way his feet are cold, the way his hands shake and how he doesn't feel anything. donghyuck won't think about the way he can't feel his body anymore. 

 

he is gasping for air but donghyuck can pull through it. it's nothing, he tells mark.   
"a bad day," he just says, uninterested. there's a ton of missed calls in his iphone. two weeks ago donghyuck signed up to a church choir, now he can't find motivation to drag himself there. it's pathetic. 

"shouldn't you be at church?" mark asks and furrows his brows in genuine confusion. the park is quiet and the bench under his thighs is cold. he is cold, he is numb. but donghyuck is doing well, he is. 

 

"why do you care? you go to the church if it's that important to you," donghyuck snaps back. his fingers are trembling (it's from the cold, it is) so he shoves them to his pockets. the uncomfortable feeling is seeping to his bones, quietly but in a fast pace. mark seems a bit reserved and donghyuck wants to scream. _don't be afraid of me, why are you being like that? why? stop it! stop it! stop--_

 

"donghyuck?" mark asks. that's when donghyuck notices that his breathing is hitching, he isn't looking anywhere, at anything. the older boy puts his hand on his shoulder but donghyuck flinches. 

"don't touch me," he hisses. he is on the edge. why is it happening? it shouldn't be happening. 

 

it should be one of those good weeks. sometimes they last even a month or two. why isn't it that? it's not fair. donghyuck can feel a drop of sweat running down his neck even though it's a chilly day. there's really no point there, right? donghyuck turns his gaze to mark's direction and there he is sitting with worry in his eyes, again. _don't look like at me like that._

"i'm sorry," mark apologizes. donghyuck swallows, his throat like sand paper. he shouldn't be so patient with him, why is he even doing it? donghyuck doesn't deserve it, he is afraid. no, he is convinced.

 

mark should just break up with him. donghyuck doesn't deserve it at all. he looks away.  

"don't be," he says and it sounds mean even when it wasn't supposed to. the scariest thing is that donghyuck can barely find himself caring about it. he can miss practices and take a break from school but he can't do that with brain activity. it's a teenager thing. mark should understand it. 

 

"i think i'll just leave. i'll call you," donghyuck says as if it's a promise but it's not. he won't call mark. donghyuck doubts mark will call him either. he would be surprised if the other boy even cared about him at all anymore. he shouldn't stick with him if he doesn't want to. donghyuck doesn't spare mark another glance and just starts walking away with determined steps. 

 

these days, donghyuck isn't the king. inside him there's just a void instead of guts and bones. even in his bone marrow, there's permafrost. maybe it's what he is. that's all he is, donghyuck knows. it'll pass. it's all okay. even if mark hates him, it's okay. but mark shouldn't hate him, right? it doesn't make sense. donghyuck is just a boy and boys will be boys. they get angry, they do. 

 

it's under control. he is cold, freezing, but he is okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol a mess


	6. a diary / introspection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **a diary ;**  
>  _the inside of donghyuck's mouth is warm even though his hands are cold. mark loves his cold hands. he loves everything about him. mark has been feeling strange lately. so strange._  
>  AU: non idol / ??? / 737 words / warnings: messy messy messy

yesterday mark decided he would become a better person. 

 

but that was yesterday and now he is back to this endless circle. he has been thinking a lot about perspectives and opinions... how his truth is a complete lie to someone else. it's a bit silly. mark has been thinking about it a lot. 

 

he has this habit where he puts his fingers in his mouth. licks his skin and pushes fingertips against the back of his tongue. when mark takes them out, they are covered in spit and it makes his stomach twist and turn in disgust. it leads to him washing his hands, twice, thrice. it's pointless, ritualistic. it's pointless. 

 

when he decided to become a better person, he brushed his hair. it's ashy brown now but mark has never been good at separating shades from each other. it's strange, isn't it? donghyuck complimented his hair, said it suits him. mark said thank you even when he wanted to accuse him of lying but it's not socially acceptable. 

 

then he remembered that it's perspectives and mark should remember his too. donghyuck left his socks on the floor again but mark couldn't find himself caring. he just picked them up, laughed and hollered at donghyuck; "you lazy bum"

 

life is strange. very strange. they're here just for the years they are, which of course varies because some good people die young and some die old. there's no point in saying that the good ones die young either because people aren't good or bad, they're all just something trying to accomplish what is reality and right for them. it makes morals pointless.

 

which means mark can't become a good person. that's why he didn't do it, he would like to think. he really would... but some things aren't things that mark can control. or donghyuck. or anyone. maybe god. hopefully god. 

 

lately mark has been thinking that he is an outsider. he has always been a shy boy, not really approaching people unless they approach him. thankfully donghyuck is better at it. they compliment each other. but mark is still an outsider in the sense where he observes and absorbs things around him but doesn't really contribute. he does what he has to do but most of the time mark is in his head. 

 

the inside of donghyuck's mouth is warm even though his hands are cold. mark loves his cold hands. he loves everything about him. mark has been feeling strange lately. so strange. even though loving can't fix the things he feels he can find something within donghyuck. it's weak but it's there. it's real, mark would like to believe, because not many things feel real. mark knows that he still bleeds (he fell on the ground a couple days ago and cut his knee against the asphalt - mark still bleeds). but if bones and veins and organs make him a being he can't be just a shell.

 

there's so many things to do. mark would say that he is running out of time but again, it's just a concept. love too... a concept. so when someone hates him he can laugh because it's so close to love. it's the same thing as they would say that they love him. ignorance is the worst. that's why mark must be a horrible being sometimes, not responding to emotional connection as he should. as mark should. 

 

he is stuck in the norms. he is stuck. mark wonders if the feeling he feels is not sadness - but melancholy. mark wonders if it will end. he still does the thing where he puts his fingers in his mouth... it's too strange. of course he isn't telling donghyuck. mark would like to think that there's nothing wrong with him but that wish is shaking. mark is shaking, too, sometimes. some things just won't change even after years, and years, and years...

 

oh well. it's temporary, right? everything is about perspectives. it's amazing how a head full of thick hair can cover such a complicated brain. but mark doesn't think he is special, he is very ordinary if he can be honest. school and being a teenager, it's fine. it'll always be a strange time of your life, when you're a teenager, he means. 

 

mark has always had a hard time in ending things. so maybe the easiest way is - push and pull, let go of it, let it crash and burn. 


	7. borders / angst, introspection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **borders ;**  
>  _in the morning he drank four cups of coffee but that isn't enough to keep a person energized when you're tired of life. not living, but life in its most simple form._  
>  AU: non idol / angst? / 608 words / warnings: references to suicidality 

 

today it looked like the sky was on fire. it burnt in red and orange shades, and for a second mark was afraid it would fall on the ground. it didn't fall. 

today he didn't fall either. in the morning he drank four cups of coffee but that isn't enough to keep a person energized when you're tired of life. not living, but life in its most simple form. mark hasn't wanted to die for five and a half days. that's it, there's no point in counting things that aren't made to be counted. 

 

mark has broken his heart once but no one broke it. it was he who pulled it out of his own chest with shaking fingers and crushed it under his sole, suicidality as it is. he hasn't been alone for eight years but mark doesn't want to count things that aren't made to be counted. they aren't together anymore, or anyone, or anything, or a thing. they aren't here or there.

 

today mark only drank three glasses of water. usually he drinks a lot more. today he left the cupboard doors open, usually he gets shortness of breath from it but last night mark realized that life is filled with simplicity and ordinary things. today he is someone he has never been before.

 

the sky has gone from navy blue to even darker. the sun goes down early during the winter time. mark's friend once said that she loves darkness. he is afraid of the dark but he loves the security it brings. and also the fact that others don't seem to love the way mark does. today he will measure grams and kilos but he won't bend over on the bathroom floor. yesterday he romanticized heroin, today cocaine and tetanus. 

 

mark's boy is a poet. donghyuck's loose shirt falls down white along his thighs but even the whiteness of winter time won't turn on the lights. october is turning to december in an hour but mark is dressed in the shades of black. no one really gets surprised by it anymore. he loves the sky more than he loves himself but the bruises last for only a week.

 

mark hasn't wanted to die for five and a half days. it's almost december, he is still gray while others are turning to white. he is slush, the others are snow. his knuckles are purples and blue, donghyuck's lips cracked from the cold but the droplet of blood smudged to his skin right on the chin. life is always so simple that it's hard to process. 

 

mark changes the music to prince and purple rain. it doesn't rain in purples in canada but there's melted snow in their hallway. the first snow came already in nocember, on his shoulders there's only rust and frost. his poetry boy said that mark is more distant than ever. mark only ran his fingers through donghyuck's brown hair. he didn't reply. mark would think that he is right but that's a thing he can't say. he can't admit that he is a bad person with fucked up morals and motives disgracing god. 

 

there's no point in counting things that aren't meant to be counted. mark has been laying in the wet bed sheets for multiple hours. his poetry boy crawls next to him, kisses his jawbone and his teeth scratch his skin. it doesn't hurt, mark can't feel it. donghyuck's fingertips are cold on his skin. björk used to be mark's favorite singer at some point of his life. he has never been to iceland but when he closes his eyes, mark imagines himself laying on the black sand. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things have been strange lately


	8. dive in / feelings realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **dive in ;**  
>  _mark realizes it like that._  
>  AU: summer, non idol / feelings realization, religious guilt / ~800 words / warning; internalized homophobia 

mark realizes that what he feels for donghyuck is not platonic when they’re sitting in a swing, shoeless, melting popsicles in their hands. the sticky substance is dripping onto his fingers and it feels gross and uncomfortable but it can’t compare to the uneasiness that washes over him.

 

mark realizes it like that. 

 

he doesn’t look at donghyuck. he keeps his stare in his legs and one hand, the artificial blue colouring of his popsicle shining under the midsummer sun. it all should look very sweet and inviting, perhaps a bit nostalgic, but in his mouth there’s a dull and stale taste.

 

”—and then i failed the exam and my dad told me that—”

 

donghyuck’s words sound like tv static, a rhythmic background noise. mark isn’t paying attention to them when everything is  _ spinning _ and it’s not for the gentle sway of the swing or the breeze of the lukewarm wind messing in his hair. 

 

”hyuckie,” mark interrupts him, forcing himself to raise his head and look at donghyuck. his hands feel strangely numb, heart beating in a panicky manner. 

 

donghyuck furrows his brows, lifting his hand to stick the popsicle in his mouth. he doesn’t say anything but mark can tell by the look of his face that he’s encouraging him to carry on even though it’s rude to interrupt. mark knows this—he knows how to read donghyuck by now, having been neighbours for many, many years. 

 

”i...my dad—i forgot, i need to go home. he, he asked me to help with his… sermon,” there’s a major stutter in mark’s word, a blatant lie carrying all through them.

 

”really?” donghyuck asks, tilting his head to the left.

”weird. how come he needs your help?” he asks, turning the popsicle in his hands, the wooden stick spinning underneath his fingers. mark watches it for a while before he lifts his gaze back to his face.

 

”uh, he didn’t tell me,” mark tells him, trying to keep his face straight even though he’s very aware that he’s awful at lying and donghyuck probably figured it out already.

 

”...okay,” donghyuck nods, not pressing the subject. maybe he knows, maybe he sees and really notices how mark’s cheeks feel like they’re on fire, and how his hands tremble and the way it’s suddenly so difficult to breathe. 

 

”okay,” donghyuck repeats. 

 

just okay. just okay so mark nods again, getting up from the swing. 

”i’ll see you around. let’s hang out like tomorrow or whatever,” donghyuck tells him. 

 

”sure,” mark says, feeling so weird and unsure. the sun is shining down on his back and he’s casting a shadow on donghyuck by standing almost in front of him, ”i’ll see you.” 

 

and then mark leaves. it’s nothing dramatic, he does it with a little wave and quick steps. the suburban neighbourhood is quiet despite it being a sunny saturday afternoon. perhaps he’s just blocking out all the sound. perhaps it’s actually quiet just for the effect. maybe it's like the truman show, a practical joke played on him and everything around him is exaggerated for the dramatics. 

 

the playground isn’t far from his home and with his fast paced walk he reaches the house easily and quickly. his t-shirt feels clammy with sweat, beads of it falling down his kneecaps. 

 

their front door is slightly ajar, possibly having been left open just dor for him. that’s what mark assumes at least. he grips the handle with a damp hand and pulls it properly open to step inside. 

 

it makes sense now. it makes sense, the way mark gets all nervous and even more sweaty, and how he sometimes stares and stares at donghyuck and it doesn’t seem to be ever enough. of course it’s some stupid crush. 

 

it’s dumbly accurate. the word crush being both infatuation for someone and a synonym for squeezing, oppressing, maybe breaking. maybe he’s breaking. it’s all about  _ maybe _ s and  _ possibly _ s but never actual certainty or knowing.

 

”i’m home,” mark calls after taking his shoes off, pretending his voice doesn’t shake. 

 

if someone responds to him, he doesn’t pay enough attention to figure out the words. his steps take him easily to the stairway and up them, knees straining, oddly enough. mark feels stupid, so, so stupid. 

 

boo boo the fool. boo boo the goddamn—never take his name in vain—fool, mark sits down onto the floor as soon as he gets to his room. his chest feels so tight, like ropes squeezing his lungs. 

 

mark knows that people are gay and it’s not like there’s anything wrong with it, he knows, he knows and he knows. mark knows yukhei has a crush on a boy, mark knows that kehlani likes girls when her songs play on the radio, mark knows these things. he does.

 

but it shouldn’t be him. why, he doesn’t really know. 

 

he likes donghyuck more than as a friend. mark realizes it like that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back on my markhyuck bullshit... kinda! i deleted some of the drabbles & updated the tags to look less messy.


	9. summer bummer / pining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **summer bummer ;**  
>  _mark doesn’t think they should hang around._  
>  AU: non idol / pining / ~630 words / warnings: blood ment

donghyuck makes him distracted.

mark’s brain is on overdrive—running so fucking fast he can’t keep up, all splashes of incorrehent colours and shades. even when he closes his eyes, it’s specks of gold glitter behind his lids. donghyuck makes mark distracted, he makes him fidgety, a distant need to pull his hangnails and bite his knuckles.

the taste of tangerines is barely there, tacky and disgustingly sweet on mark’s tongue. he doesn’t think they should be here, mark is pulling the white hangnails of this tangerine, throwing the pieces onto the ground. he doesn’t think they should hang around.

he doesn’t think they should because mark is foolish and mark is weak. he doesn’t think they should because donghyuck is pretty and his eyes shine when he laughs. they glimmer, they—they’re so pretty, donghyuck is pretty, and mark is so weak for him.

but it’s not like mark is good at keeping promises, especially those that he has made to himself. three years back he told himself he’d make that iced coffee with that recipe 9gag had shared and still, he never did it. mark’s not good at it, or many things in general.

donghyuck’s lips are cracking. it’s a funny thing, kind of, to have lips as dry as his even on the most humid day of july. something about it makes mark vulnerable even though he doesn’t quite know what it is. maybe the fact that he would still kiss his lips, even if he’d taste blood from the cracks.

kind of like heartbreak, but not really. it doesn’t ache in an excruciating manner but it’s just a dull throb of discomfort that should be easy to ignore but no, it isn’t. almost like a headache from drinking something cold too quickly. mark wonders to how many things he can compare donghyuck to until he runs out of words and fruits.

fruits like strawberries—even though they aren’t fruits. perhaps that’s the point of this all.

mark doesn’t know and maybe it’s okay that he doesn’t want to know. mark doesn’t want to think or feel these things at all, and it’s selfish of him but that’s just how things roll. the bitter taste of acceptance even if it’s not really that either.

something mark doesn’t know of makes him hang on the weak string of hope. rejection hurts but at least it would be an end. a full stop, a red sign with white text on it, it ends here and he’ll quit. so it’s not acceptance but rather bitterness of being a coward.

donghyuck’s lips are red and it reminds him of cherry cola. his lips are cracked but they don’t bleed. mark wishes they would. a small bubble of red would rise and pop, drip down donghyuck’s chin if he doesn’t realize to wipe it off. maybe mark could press his thumb against it and do a brushing motion, completely platonic, it’d mean nothing.

_he_ would mean nothing. perhaps that’s the ending mark wants. perhaps he still doesn’t know what he wants because mark’s thoughts are a complete utter mess of abstraction and absurdity.

so even if a part of him craves for donghyuck, the inevitable ending of this all comes down to how mark shouldn’t want him. but still, he wishes they could sit on the kitchen floor for longer and chew on fruits. _tell me what to swallow_ , and that kind of things.

because donghyuck is impossible. he reminds mark of static screen, faded colours that scream retro and the 80's. stained lipstick, too. donghyuck is so beautiful, impossible, but beautiful. the edges and lines of friendship mark is too afraid to cross, afraid of messing up the pleasant and idyllic picture they have painted. 

maybe mark compares him to fruits because donghyuck is the forbidden one. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hmu in twitter @ [gucclinen](https://twitter.com/gucclinen) && u can send me requests on tumblr !! @ [ makkeuga](https://makkeuga.tumblr.com/)


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